statistics...

...are not for me. i like to read them, but calculate them? please. i can't even balance my checkbook.

i don't want to freak anyone out, but we keep stats on our blog readership. one of the most interesting stats is the keyword analysis, which is becoming my favorite place to see how people get to our blog. what's kind of disturbing is there seems to be a common theme developing and i am not sure if i like it.

here are a few of my personal favorites...and i swear these are REAL SEARCH TERMS. i haven't modified them in any way. for your reading convenience, search terms are bolded, my commentary is not.

• kids have to pee - well... this is just a fact. kids always have to pee, don't they?
• qwest is evil - they ARE. read here. and then here.
• sprite remove skunk smell - ew!! i don't remember ever writing about this.
• kill spiders using vinegar - ha ha ha! die, spiders, DIE!
• old cat howls all night - interesting...
• have i broken my nose - this one is bridge's fault.
• why do we no longer need overhead bridges - ha ha...bridge...AGAIN.
• mucinex dm trip - well, the post was never about tripping on mucinex dm. the authors of this blog in no way advocate using over-the-counter medication illicitly or in a manner other than prescribed on the box. what i am saying is this sounds like a bad idea. what if you saw those little green men ALL NIGHT while tripping? yikes...
• no no mommy you evil! - i'd like to blame bridge for this, but i am not 100 percent sure i can pass the buck.
• talk like a stormtrooper - soooo not me!! but i didn't know stormtroopers even talked.
• woman peed in pool - uh, WHAT? one, two, three...not it!
• dreams of spiders and monkeys - you are not alone, whoever you are. i have them all the time. really.
• nice cuticles - probably not al. we just got her to shave last year.
• using weird things as dildos - hmmm...i've never used weird things. on one hand, i am quite disturbed our blog showed up when someone searched on this. on the other hand, cool!
• birthday fairy card bitch - this one is just funny.
• mother effing crazy moms - i mother effing take offense to this.
• your crazy mom - MY crazy mom? no, YOU are!!
• what kind of fruit to soak in everclear - there's a great recipe for jungle juice on here...just scroll down. you should be 21 to read the recipe, btw. thanks for following the law. and by the way, don't soak the fruit in the everclear, unless you want to die. just add it to the punch when you mix it all up.

here's what i am upset didn't show up in the search terms: best friends, dirty old RDB, football, happy birthday jess!, bridge loves jesus, al loves pink, jess is the best golfer ever, jess has a hot body, bridge is rich, al is famous, etc.

now if you'll excuse me, i have to run. i've got to get a manicure, stop at the liquor store, swing by home depot for spider killer, reschedule my stormtrooper impersonation class, tell my kids not to pee in the pool and get some sprite to get the skunk smell out of my car. and i have to call qwest to bitch about their crappy customer service.