me i want a hula hoop

i know you sang the song referenced in my title when you read it. in your BEST chipmunk voice!!

i remember singing this song with my sister when we were kids. what a riot. now... my kids love it. they think the chipmunk voices are hilarious.

i wish they could actually WATCH alvin and the chipmunks, instead of some of this shit they crank out on the cartoon network. i don't care what you think... at least 80% of the programming on cartoon network is completely UNFIT for children under the age of 15.

but i digress. christmas, christmas time is here. (you are singing, aren't you?!?!?)

my son is starting to question santa claus. uh-oh. he may be on to me. i hope we can hang on for one or two more years before he puts everything together and discovers i am, like, the biggest liar ever. santa claus... bull shit. tooth fairy... bull shit. easter bunny... total bull shit.

are we setting our kids up for disappointment? or do we play these fun little "games" to get even with our parents? what a perpetually vicious cycle. yet i continue to play along. i love sneaking around at christmas. i love the challenge of trying to slip a couple of quarters or a dollar bill under the pillow while my kiddo is sleeping. even more, i love the challenge of actually REMEMBERING to have to the tooth fairy visit. (yes, i have forgotten. it totally sucked, thanks for asking!)

we can hardly stand to wait. please, christmas... don't be late!!!

snowboarding + me = wimp

i can hardly type.

honestly.

my arms and hands really hurt.

bad.

so bad in fact that i can hardly type.

just tell me to shut up. i really deserve it. i spent an entire weekend skiing, and my legs do not hurt at all. then i go down ONE.. yeah just ONE run on a snowboard and i want to cry like a baby.

i should mention that i slid down most of the hill on my ass.

you would think my ass would be smaller since i swear i froze half of it off.

sadly no. /sigh

oh, there are pictures. i just need to get a hold of them.

blackmail is what those pictures are called. i know for a fact they got a great shot of me falling down. not gracefully either.

the only thing that helped was that my husband and i consumed over 60 beers during this ski trip. explains why i suddenly didn't find 20 degree weather cold anymore.

anyways, i had a blast. the second i get my wimpy fingers on those pictures i will let you all laugh at my expense.

not that your not doing that right now. and, um... was that a double negative?

Boneless Shanghai Wings

Ok... i officially have a new addiction. Many of you are familiar with my lengthy list of addictions, including but NOT limited to the following:

• Diet Mountain Dew
• Diet Coke with Lime
• Margarita Pizza from Firehouse Pizzeria
• Camel Turkish Jade Lights ( i quit smoking 26 ago, but who the EFF is counting??)
• About Face face lotion (www.allaboutlotion.com)
  
• Natural EsScents lip balm (refer to aforementioned website)
  
• Victoria's Secret Love Spell lotion
• My cell phone
• Bacon
  
• Fantasy Football
• Diet Mountain Dew (yes, it deserves TWO mentions!!)
• Ice cream - any flavor
• Pedicures
• Coffee
  
• The Internet
• Miller Lite
• Mojitos
• Boneless Shanghai Wings from Chili's

These little nuggets o' chicken are truly fantastic. TRULY. I even found a copy cat recipe I cannot WAIT to try.

I am not the type of person who just likes things. I LOVE THEM. TO DEATH.

Hooray for Utah (despite the shitty liquor laws!)

ok so I'm back in utah for the wonderful, wonderful world of disney. oops, i mean for turkey day. and boy am i lucky that i get to spend one WHOLE week in logan and beyond.
and tonights plans, hang out with jess and bridge.
so now you're wondering wtf it was we did in our short but precious time together.

wait for it....

wait for it...

we got a pedicure!!!

and by we I mean ALL of us! which if you didn't notice, includes yours truly.

now for those of you who know me, don't be shocked. this doesn't mean i've turned all girly n' shit but i thought for once in my f'ing life i could do something nice for myself with my two bestest buds. so i let those hoes talk me into gettin' my feet all rubbed and scrubbed and my piggies painted.

since i'm sitting at bridge's using her computer to write this sob and she wants me to mention that i originally picked out neon orange for my toe painting color.

she promptly informed me that 'it doesn't work with your color' (like I know what that means) so i let her pick out the color. guess what she picked for Al?

you guessed it, pink. (those are bridge's toes in purple)

then we came back to bridge's and took some pictures (no boys, not THOSE types of photos). we took some fun and silly and semi-serious photos. some of which will be forthcoming on this, the 3 monkeys blog.

and since jess is gone, bridge and i are sitting around drinking miller lite and talking smack about how barbie-like she looked (if only she had bigger boobs. sorry j but the truth sometimes hurts).

we're also talking shit about how bridge's list of previous boyfriends is fan-tastic and al's current list of boyfriends is.... non-existant. in fact, i don't even have a roofie! wtf is up with that?
reminder a roofie is someone that would have to slip a roofie into my drink for me to go home with them (see Al's blog "my new scale" or some shit like that, i wrote it too long ago to remember exactly what kind of witty name i gave it).

TO: ALL MY FRIENDS

Ok, I realize I need to post this. My gift giving post might of made some of my friends think that I get grouchy about giving them gifts.

Is it true?

NO!!!

The keyword in my previous post was HAVE. I get grouchy when I "have" to give gifts. I never feel that I have to give my friends gifts. I feel that I "get" to. Different story altogether.

Although... sometimes I do feel I "have" to give a certain friend a "certain" gift for obvious reasons... but that is a different story altogether. (This certain friend will know who she is when the time comes. /evil chuckle inserted here)

Now, if you called me on the phone. Then invited me to a gathering... and TOLD me I HAD to give a gift to someone I hardly knew... not only would I feel that I had to go to "said" gathering... but then I would feel obligated to give them "said" gift. THANKFULLY none of my friends do this. I have had a few family members do it before, and I went through with it. Now I put my foot down and say no.

I mean...

Who in their right mind calls you up and tells you that you need to attend something and you are in charge of bringing someone a gift? Shouldn't they first find out if you can attend? If you even want to? If you can afford to?

Yes I am bitter.

Yes it almost happened again this year.

No it is NOT happening to me. Never again.

None of my close friends have ever done this to me. Nor would they think it was cool.

Loralee usually has one of the most /cough /cough fun (yeah, thats the right word) Christmas gatherings I have had the honor of attending. We usually do white elephants. I LOVE IT. Even if she called me and told me I HAD to get someone a gift... I would still go. HAHA. Her party is that good.

Anyways, I love you friends! I am getting you gifts. I have no clue what... but I am.

Examples of what I "could" get you... hehehehe

Jess: A Nascar hat. ( you know I wouldn't buy one)
Al: Some rocks. (unlabled for lots of evening fun)
Loralee: A box of Gain. ( I like to feed addictions)
Karen: A cat lady hat. (because we know you have earned it)

Ok... so THOSE are NOT your gifts...

But I smiled typing them.

From: The HO who brings the HO HO HO in Christmas!

>>schadenfreude<<

ah...schadenfreude. do you even know what that means?

in order to spare you a trip to dictionary.com, i will provide you with a definition and a pronunciation: (shad-en-froy-da) and it means "deriving pleasure from the misfortune of others."

who is NOT guilty of this?

ever laughed at some poor dude who gets hit in the nuts with the 8 ball?

that is schadenfreude.

ever watched a soap opera? or desperate housewives? or any other drama on tv?

borderline schadenfreude.

ever get an uncontrollable case of the giggles when you see someone slip and fall on ice or trip over a crack in the sidewalk?

yep, schadenfreude.

what is unclear to me is where the line is between schadenfreude and just plain old Karma sweeping in and catching up with someone who deserves nothing but misfortune. can i enjoy Karma? Or is that schadenfreude?

your boss makes you look like an idiot in front of some co-workers. a few days later, he breaks both his legs in a freak accident. schadenfreude? or karmic JUSTICE??

your spouse spends an assload of money on an impulse purchase and then lies about it. a few days later, said purchase gets stolen. schadenfreude?

someone you know is a lying, conniving, evil ho-bag. (or dickweed. this is an EOE blog) she gets away with everything and seems to have it all. a few months down the road, she gets fired and a nasty case of herpes. plus her butt gets real big.

you be the judge. i think schadenfreude is one of the darker sides of human nature.

BRIDGES GIFT GIVING GUIDE 2006-2007-????

So this month I am going to devote some time to gift giving.

Why?

Because I am too lazy to actually go out and shop for Christmas, birthdays, weddings, babies, and other lame gift giving holidays and events. That's why. So instead of actually going out and buying stuff and accomplishing something, I will blog about it.

Bah Humbug?

Yep... that is me this year. Scrooge.

It isn't that I do not want to give gifts... I just hate feeling that I HAVE to give gifts. (insert Jess' name here) HAHAHA. Ok, I am totally kidding Jess. (insert Al's name next) HAHAHA. Ok, I am cracking myself up.

You do know the people I am talking about right? The people who gave you a gift and made you feel guilty because you didn't have a gift for them. Or the person who gave you a super expensive gift last year... when you gave them a candle. ( I know I am damning my self to hell for even mentioning this, trust me.)

This is the funny part, I actually love giving gifts. I already know what I would buy my family and friends if I won the lottery. (Yes Al... a blow dryer.) Just certain years money seems tighter and then I get grouchy. This year is one.

Here are a few examples of my grouchiness for your reading pleasure.

Example #1... My Son

• His toys get more complicated each year (which means expensive).
• His toys get more expensive each year.
• He gets better at finding "said" gifts. Wherever I hide them. Trunk of car, locked storage room, grandma's house... and then I have to buy more gifts that come from "Santa". Damn Santa. Buy your own damn gifts.
• And the worst... Imagine this in a whiney voice, "So and So got better presents than me! WHAAAAAAHHHH!" Thus, I am a shitty mom.

Example #2... My Daughter

• Wants everything.
• Wants everything.
• Oh, did I mention... She wants everything.

Example #3... My Husband

• Has really good taste.
• Likes nice stuff (aka expensive)
• Already has everything he needs... so I have to give him something he WANTS.
• (Note to Husband... I love you and want to tell you that buying gifts for you is fun.)I almost believe that... /wink

Example #4... My Dad

• refer to example #3.

Example #5... My Mom

• refer to example #3 or #4 with some variations.
• What she wants happens to be the most expensive. IN THE ENTIRE STORE!

Example #6... My Friends

• I've already run out of money.
• I feel really bad.
• They have run out money too. (/smile)
• I feel better.

So anyways, to get to the freaking point!!! Quite a few of my upcoming post will be about different types of gift giving. For all types of events.

If you have any funny gift giving stories... please email me and I'll share them.

bestmonkeyfriends@yaoo.com

Cheers!

Bridge

we all have our vices...

We all have our own vices. Yeah, I know. Some of them are innocent. Some, not so innocent. Then there are... I can't believe this is a vice and you are completely nuts.

I have one of those.

It isn't my consumption of alcohol. I agree this is a vice, but a good vice for me. Although I could go without the calories, I couldn't go without the calming effects.

It isn't my love of cheese. I honestly can't think of a cheese I do not like, or one I wouldn't love to eat right at this moment.

It isn't my obsessive cleaing. It does tie into it though.

It is Bed Bath & Beyond.

Can I hear you laughing? I know... I know... I love THAT store. I would buy everything in it. Every single object I see in there I say... "I need that!"

Kitchen Organizers... check.
Bath towels... check.
Clock... check.
Clothes hamper... check
Random object I have no clue what it is or does... check.

Honestly. I need to avoid this store at all cost. I am their target market. Two weeks ago Bed Bath & Beyond opened a store in my area.

I am in trouble.

Call in the Marines.
Call in the Air Force.
Call in the Mall Security.

I am doomed.

As Team America World Police would sing... Bed Bath & Beyond... um.. fuck yeah...

fwd: FW: Fwd: DO NOT DELETE! Pass this on! Hilarious! MUST READ

so i know you have gotten an email like this. from someone who forwards you every single stupid email they receive, no matter what.

you know what i am talking about. if not, i have provided some examples below:

"sorry, i can't break this one. our troops in iraq are sure fighting hard for our freedom. pass this to your friend to show you are committed to men in camouflage playing x-box, drinking pepsi and giving candy to little iraqi children while carrying a firearm."

"this is a REAL picture of a big ass shark swallowing the empire state building."

"i saw this on the news, so it must be true. forward this to your friends, colleagues, associates, even people you barely fucking know. Bill Gates will send you a check for 3 cents for every person you forward this to. You will get a check in the mail for $39,393,393,938,123,479.03 in just six days! no lie!!"

"if you don't send this to, like, 53 people inthe next 27 minutes you will DIE. you will get hit by an 18-wheeler, fall into the grand canyon, or get a horrific case of syphilis. true story!"

"god heals us all. if you don't pass this on, you are a jesus hater. decide now..."

that halloween email that goes around every damn year with the two pumpkins for a pair of boobs and the other two pumpkins of the guy bent over mooning us. for the last seven years, this email has been hilarious. truly side-splitting. i am STILL laughing about it. now don't ever fucking send it to me again. ever.

many times, i don't mind getting these kinds of email, as long as they are in my PERSONAL email account and NOT in my work email. one person in particular sends funny videos, photos and jokes. 9 times out of 10, i haven't seen the email before. hell, i have even passed along the really funny ones myself.

however, this OTHER person i know...well she forwards EVERYTHING. to my WORK email. ANNOYING as HELL. probably as annoying as me using CAPS. i won't name any names, but i have to tell you something that really happened...

so, she was on this spam-fest one morning, when a colleague sent her this picture with "THIS IS YOU!" in the subject line.




of course, i think this is just hilarious. but it gets better. she responds with an email saying, "I hate Spam!"

LOL. His response: "DON'T WE ALL!!!" And if that isn't enough, she writes back: "My husband really enjoys it fried every once in a while. Yuck."

ROFL. She STILL doesn't get it. Oh well.

Don't forward this post to your 11 of your best friends in the next thirteen minutes. You won't get herpes, you won't get paid, you won't have bad luck, leprechauns won't dance naked on Thursday at 3 p.m. when the buzzer sounds, and you sure as HELL won't get laid.

Stupid Utah Liquor Laws... GRRRR

So today is the day that I go and try to make one Republicans vote in Utah not count.

Pointless.

Yeah, I know. We do have some Democrats in office. The keyword here was SOME.

I obviously did something terribly wrong in a past life.

Why you ask?

Because Election day is one of those weird days in Utah where you cannot buy a drink in a restaurant. WTF? As if Utah needs any more fucked up liquor laws. All the state liquor stores are closed, and restaurants are restricted.

Thank god for convenience stores.

This is why Utah has this stupid law.

"Sometime in the good old days a candidate could take voters to a saloon, buy a couple of drinks and get them liquored up pretty good before they went back to the polls," he said. "After Prohibition was lifted [in 1933] many states didn't want liquor associated with buying votes at election time."" (Dawn House, The Salt Lake Tribune)


Election Day liquor laws

No alcohol except 3.2 beer before polls close at 8 p.m. may be served at:
* Small liquor outlets at hotels, rural areas or wineries
* Restaurants serving distilled spirits, wine and heavy beer
* Restaurants serving only wine and heavy beer
* Private clubs serving distilled spirits, wine and heavy beer
Stricter rules for hotels, resorts and special events:
* Hotels and resorts may not serve alcohol of any kind at banquets - including light beer that can be sold all day at any grocery or convenience store.
* Festivals or other single event permit holders may not serve alcohol
Light 3.2 beer sales: may also be regulated by local ordinances; contact local city or county attorney for more restrictions
(Dawn House, The Salt Lake Tribune)

Welcome to fucking Utah. God forbid that Republicans drink and turn into Democrats. (Yeah, I came up with that one.)

You thought I had been 'taken care of'

boy were you mistaken. Regardless of what you've heard about the mafia presence in Albuquerque. They have not yet found me...

Unless, of course, you were to look up my name on the website previously discussed by Jess and Bridge (404 of me and how dare they...). If you were bored enough to do somthing like that you would find that there are NONE of me. Yep! Not one. For those of you who have not had the extreme displeasure of learning- via website- that you do not exist, your name (Aleeca in my case) is found in less than 1 person in 10 in the general US population. My last name is more popular. Really, there are less than 5,000 other people in the US who share my last name so if you combine the non-existance of my first name with the rarity of my last name (especially compared to the last names of my other two cohorts) you find that I do not exist.

I am a no one.

All those "you're somebody because somebody loves you" things your parents say to keep you motivated (I think it's to get you out of their house) are total bullshit. I'm a (non) living, (non) breathing example.

Now I just have to figure out how to convince my credit card companies, car loan place and student loan holder that I don't exist all the while not letting my place of employment in on the ploy. Do you think this website will hold up in court?

LETS GO JAZZ!

K, last night I realized how old I am. While buying beer I realized I have bought beer officially for 9 years now at the Delta Center.

OLD.

9 freaking years. Ouch.

Putting my life into perspective like that just kills me. That and the fact that Jess and I talked about Botox last night. No, neither of us need it.

Yet.

Someday we will though. /sigh. If we take the plunge is another story.

Now back to where I origionally intended this post to go.

The Utah Jazz.

I LOVE the Jazz. I used to love them more. Karl Malone and John Stockton were fun to watch. I really miss watching them. Especially the first game of the year.

Well my mom has season tickets. Upper bowl, but it is still fun to go. I enjoy going to a few games each year. My mom would have me go to every game if I would. There are just too many home games.

Well here is Jess drining a beer...






Here is /cough /cough... my beer glass...






Here is Jess and I trying to do the whole "myspace picture angle thing...




Oh, and for Al... this pic is for you. You need to get new friends. We are obviously nuts!

because every halloween you should almost get arrested!!!

Some of you may have realized this...

I am a GEEK!

I always dress up for Halloween. I actually can't believe someone would not take the time to dress up. I mean...

COME ON!

When else can you run around in costumes? Pretending you are a super hero... a goblin... a monster... a princess ( for some of you boys that read this blog).

So to add merit to my geekdom I am going to clarify a few things. Yes I get a new costume every year. (Until I buy the Chewbacca costume... then I am Chewy forever!) I also make my family go in a "theme". Every year we pick something else. This year we were supposed to go as X-men, until my son's costume showed up that is. They sent the wrong costume, and it was too late to send back.

Here are a few examples of my past family costumes.

2002 We went as people you might find in a forest. The ranger, dragon, and two fairy's. Yes, I realize I am still huge after having my daughter. You will notice I slowly thin out. Hopefully next year by a lot more. /crosses fingers

2003 Batman
Yeah, I am the Joker. Not Batgirl, Poison Ivy, or Catwoman. My son picked the Joker for me. Thank GOD no one recognized me. /whew

2004 Scooby Doo
If only I would have been the hot Thelma. /sigh

Now for an interest story...


2004 was the year that Jess and I almost got arrested. We were at a party... dancing around a stripper pole... and the cops came and shut down the party. I would like to mention again that we were on the stripper pole when the cops showed up. Yeah

We are wild and CRAZY.

Notice the hot nurse dancing with us. She hit on me that night. Who in the hell hits on Thelma?

Lucky for Jess and I 2005 and 2006 have been less eventful.


2005 My family went as Star Wars. I am Queen Amidala. I know you can't tell. Look how cute Jess is.

2006 My family went as Narnia. Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy. The four high Kings.

I am kinda disturbed by Jess in the 2006 picture. She is a really cute girl... and for Halloween she made a hot boy.

She is going to kill me.

/cackles like the witch I am.

/wink