Moms Rule...or at least they SHOULD!

so, i wonder if it is possible to truly appreciate your own mother BEFORE you have your own kids. i am not so sure that it is. i was thinking about this today as i sped home from work after a meeting with our mar/comm manager to catch my son's starring role in a halloween reader's theater at his school. i cannot count the times where i have had to make a crappy choice between my kids and my job... i am certain there are many other moms out there who can relate.





this is me when my kids go on and on and on and on and ON about whatever.

i love them, they just talk so damn much. about nothing. i truly love it when i get to have real conversations with them.

this is also me when they bitch about eating something i have cooked. sit down, shut up and eat. i love you.

call it a weakness, a crutch, whatever, i don't care. I MUST HAVE caffeine on a daily basis, preferably before 9 a.m. chai, a cup of coffee, a diet mountain dew, or a diet coke with lime. i don't care what it is, just give me the caffeine. maybe i could just get a shunt in my arm for a steady stream of caffeine to be delivered to my cells intravenously.



the following conversation REALLY took place... on the phone. i was at work. jenna even dialed me up herself.
me: hello?
jenna: mommy? this is jenna. (as if i couldn't tell) you forgot my dance clothes and i have dance today. TRANSLATION: you are the worst mother ever. thanks a bunch for taking care of me
me: aw...honey. i am sorry. we were sure late this morning, weren't we? note: we were late b/c jenna didn't want to brush her hair or get dressed. she was very cranky and threw one of her "morning episodes."
jenna: can you bring them now?
me: i will work something out.

although i don't have a uterus, i still have ovaries. this means that once a month, i am especially pleasant to be around.

the trick is to identify WHEN that time is. not only do i have absolutely NO idea, other people seem to struggle with my mood swings, too.



do i really need to say anything about this one?

and is there anything MORE awful than YOUR OWN mom being right when you are an adult mother with children of your own?

maybe your mother-in-law being right. yes, that might be more awful.

my son, who is practically a rocket scientist (just ask him, he'll tell you!), is always in one way or another, letting me know how retarded i really am. bless him for keeping me grounded.

404 of ME!

Well, I was just going to post a comment, but I decided to post a whole thang.

There are 404 Jessica XXXXXXX in the United States. That is with my maiden name, because the database didn't recognize my married last name. Huge bummer, since I no longer wish to be associated with my ex-husband in any way, shape or form.

734,923 ladies in the USA are named Jessica, making it the 61st most popular name. This led me on the quest to find the most popular. Mary, my first guess, is 5th. But I can't find the most popular female name in this database. Crap. The search ends.

My last name (maiden) is the 171st most popular. Smith is the 1st most popular last name. Jones is 4th and is tied with Brown.

So, what the hell IS in a name, anyway? Looks like NOTHING.

HOW DARE THERE BE 4 OF ME IN THE USA!!!

I would like to thank my friend Karen for blogging about this.

Visit her site at...

www.kismet626.blogspot.com

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 4 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

There are 13,499 people in the U.S. with the first name Brigitte.
Statistically the 1580th most popular first name. (tied with 104 other first names)
More than 99.9 percent of people with the first name Brigitte are female.

There are 77,992 people in the U.S. with the last name XXXXXXX.
Statistically the 426th most popular last name. (tied with 19 other last names)

I am just thankfull that 99.9 percent of all Brigitte's are FEMALE. Can you imagine? HAHAHA.

Ever feel like you have had too much coffee???

Yeah, me either.

No I am not the great pumpkin... even though my ass resembles one.

Yeah, I have been missing from blogging for a few days.

Have you noticed?

Nope...

I figured you hadn't. I wish I could say I have been out saving the world. Or doing something important like carving a pumpkin...

Oh wait! I did do that.

Now this is the time Jess should run and scream.

Why you ask?

Because I am a photographer, and I took pictures of her this weekend.

No, I won't post them here. I am NOT that mean. Plus she looked good in all the pictures I took. I really would need to take bad pictures of her to post them here. It is not like I am nice or anything.

Anyways, I had a fun Saturday with Jess and her entire clan.

We went to a pumpkin walk.

We ate dinner.

We carved pumpkins.

We played poker...

Let's just say my last hand at poker I had a 4 of a kind... plus I could of switched down to a full house... and still beat Jess's boyfriend. My last hand rocked!

If Jess approves... I'll post some pictures of us. If not... I'll post some bad pictures of her.

Either way...

You win.

t.g.i.f

well, as you can tell, we never made it over to the EM:HE site. too much going on this week! bummer.

ah, well, have a great weekend. i will be what i call "off the grid" all weekend. it ain't the same as what you call off the grid, but it is still what i call it so there.

did any of that make sense? what i mean is i will be, for the most part, unavailable online. wish me luck with my fantasy football team and GO Chargers!

xoxo

Information for sale

so I got this email from my brother the other day with a website (http://www.zabasearch.com/) that houses a database. It seems as though this database allows unknown persons (NOT the feds because they already have this info) to search for you and then pay money to get your personal information.

There were 6 hits on my name (not an easy one to mistake for someone else) that included previous addresses, etc.

I always knew that people with loads of money (aka ad firms, marketing people, etc.) would be able to purchase such information but letting the general public do so is not something I'm crazy about. Think about it.

You meet a 10 in a bar and (because you've had a few) you give him your real name. Well, he really digs you, and why shouldn't he? You're a 1!- and wants to find out more about you, your name, your #, your birthday, your address, etc.
Wow! I'm stoked about that. I don't know how much these services cost but would rather not have the option available for Mr. 10 to find me by looking me up in a database.

I'd like to give a big shout out to technology for this. I love you technology. You've made it possible for me to remove words from documents and emails without white out and you've made it possible for me to stay in constant contact with my buddies (TB and TR as I guess they're called- hey ladies- thanks for giving me a new nick name, real nice...) via IM. You've done a whole host of other things for which I am grateful and pleased. But I put my foot down on this one.

/stomps foot

Nothing ever happens in Podunkville, aka Logan, UT

NOT!

Residents of the valley of Cache can no longer say that after this week! ABC's popular show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is coming to Logan. The Bridge (aka The Rhino) and I (aka Tiny Butt) are covering the event LIVE and DAILY this entire week. Check back every evening for details! You can click here for news about the homebuilder who volunteered, too.

We have heard it is "impossible to get in" and "you have to have a pass or know someone." And of course, because this is a relatively small town, everyone here knows someone who has an IN.

Including ME. I won't drop any names, cuz that would be Paris Hilton-like. And I ain't her. I know people at the University and I know people at the Herald Journal. BUT I STILL DON'T HAVE A DAMN PASS. Post a comment on this blog if you can hook up the TB/TR news team with pass so we can cover this exciting local event on See, Speak, Hear no Evil.

We could go get a press kit, but you have to be an "accredited journalist." Crap. I have a journalism degree. Now where the hell do I get accreditation?


Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is one of my favorite shows. I love the houses, the families are so humble and let's not forget the host, Ty. If nothing else, he is a great reason to watch this show. No shirt, he knows how to use power tools, AND he wears Chuck Taylors... he is just a cutie!(photo is totally used without permission, much like many of the other photos on this blog.) I hope we don't get Napstered or something.


In other news, the flagship store of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints opened last week. Yes, I am talking about Deseret Industries, aka the DI. For those of you unfamiliar with Utah and/or Mormons, please allow me to introduce you to the DI. This is a thrift store... you know, a place where you take all the junk you don't want or can't even SELL at a garage sale. Employees at the DI, who are usually faced with mental or physical challenges, sort through your stuff, wash it, etc. and then it is resold at a significant discount. Here in Cache Valley (and unfortunately probably throughout Utah and Idaho) there is even an annual high school event called a DI Dance, where you come dressed in DI attire and drive the biggest junker car you can find. People started lining up at midnight the night before the grand opening. To get in and find the best junk first.

Will wonders never cease??

Seriously, stay tuned for EM: HE video, brought to you live by TB (that is me, Tiny Butt, aka The Bitch) and TR (that is Bridge, The Rhino).

When you have a friend that is a geek...

The other day I had a conversation with Jess (aka "J"). I am only bringing it up because I laughed my ass off while conversing with her.
Oh, yeah... back to the point. The conversation was about me stealing her idea to write about Heroes. Well, um, I didn't "steal" it.

I think I should mention that Heroes would be considered under my category of acceptable blogging material. (I am totally kidding here! Please don't kick my ass J!)

Nascar and anything fashionable would be J's categories, oh, and anything smart.

Politics and rocks would be Al's, as would our environment and anything healthy.

I am the resident geek on this blog. I will admit it. I have always been the "geek". Both Jess and Al have consistently taunted me over my love of reading and watching Sci Fi and Fantasy. Now that Sci Fi and Fantasy are cool... look who is back in the "in" crowd.

Um...

Not me...

I was only kidding.

Myself.

Or at least I was trying to kid myself.

Here are just a few facts about me.
I LIVE Star Wars.

I like Star Trek.

I Love Sci-fi. If you can't tell by now. I really do. My daughters middle name is from the book series The Foundation by Isaac Asimov. Really. http://www.asimovonline.com/

I actually played City of Heroes which is an online multiplayer game about... you guess it... Heroes.

My husband has the X-men comic books in my kids rooms right now.

I also read fantasy. Often. Then I reread fantasy... Often.

I wish I didn't live on Earth.

I secretly believe there are real super heroes out there somewhere.

What does this tell you you might ask?

That I am a geek. Oh yes it does. I fully admit it now.

What does this also tell you?

That Jess and Al were definitely cooler in High School than I was.


Oh, some notes for Jess and Al...
In the new Spiderman that is coming out soon... Spiderman turns into Venom. This alien creature goes into his suit and turns him evil. Oh, and his friend ends up being the Hobgoblin. They fight a lot, but Spidey never kills him. He can't forget their friendship. This is all from the comic books. FYI


Spiderman 3 - preview




Oh, and I love you J and A!!!

Thank you for putting up with your geeky friend all these years!

Beware of the BPT!!

BPT... Big Post Thief! aka The Bridge! (TB) or Tiny Butt. aka TR (The Rhino)

I was totally going to blog about my new fave series, "Heroes," but TB, aka BPT stole my idea. So instead, I am just going to post a photo...
And now I want to talk about one of my OTHER favorite shows on televison, The Girls Next Door. I freakin LOVE this show. The girls are cool, beautiful, blonde and funny! Plus, they live at the Playboy Mansion. How cool is that?

Er, maybe not that cool if you have to share your man (even if he is 80, hey! He is still the big Double H! Hef!).



Holly, the one in the middle, is my fave. I love her! Bridget (no relation to one of the authors of this blog) is on the left. Yes, that may be her nipple attempting to escape there.. not sure. Kendra is on the right with the cool black hair extensions.

I want to be one of them for Halloween, but I fear no corset in the world would make my body look like theirs. I also might need a special permit for all of that peroxide...

Not sure if I would want to trade my life for theirs, but I still like watching the show. While we are talking about fave TV shows, I need to throw in Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, too.

And yes, my life really is THIS lame. Thanks for asking. :)

because Al should love me...

Have you ever randomly found images on your computer that you KNOW you deleted? Well, I know for a fact that I dumped a lot of images a few months ago to make room on my hard drive.

Then Al's computer was taken from her.

Then I happened to find a folder with temporary internet files.

Then I about cried.













Here you go Al.

New scale

because I am single and have LOADS of time on my hands I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to determine whether a man is, in Elaine's words, "Sponge-worthy." A few weeks ago a good friend and I (we'll call her T to protect her anonymity), were talking about how only non-hot guys were hitting on us and the discussion came up again last night. So I came up with a new 'dateability scale' for the rest of those sexy singles out there reading this sexy single's post.

DISCLAIMER: author is NOT responsible for the use of this scale in the general public nor for any regrets one may have after using this scale.

It breaks down like this (note: if you don't consume alcohol, this scale is NOT for you).
When you're out at a club/bar/grocery store/pawn shop/Best Buy, etc. and someone of the opposite sex begins flirting with you, you can utilize my new scale by quickly deciding how many beers you would have to drink to have sex with said person.
Let me give you an example

random guy flirting with me: "You're really intimidating. In fact, I bet you could kick my ass."

my thought process: 'Oh Earth! Not again! On a normal scale of hotness this guy is like a 2. I think I'd have to have at least 7 or 8 Miller Lite's to even contemplate letting him into my home.'

hence the gentleman in question recieves a 7.5 on the new rating scale. However, to make this more complicated, there's a good beer scale and a cheap beer scale. So the gentleman in the previous example would be 5.5 on the good beer scale because (my fav) IPA has a greater alcohol content.

If you happen to find yourself contemplating going home with a 10 or 12, think again! Friends, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET A FRIEND GO HOME WITH A PERSON WITH THIS POOR OF A RATING. If you have to go any higher than a 12 pack, the person becomes a roofie. Meaning that you would have to be completely and utterly out of your freaking mind (or completely unconscious) to go home with said person.

Be forewarned, friends and family. I will be using this scale from now on so when you ask how hot the 'new guy' is (or random guy) and I say 1- this is a good thing. This scale is gonna revolutionize the dating scene. And really make you reconsider those persons who you contemplate taking home.

HEROES and NO NO's...

So I am now officially a "Heroes" junkie. I have always loved superheroes. Always. I really wish I could be one actually. Can you imagine me running around town in tights and a cape?

Ohhhh...

Bad idea.

I just imagined myself running around town in tights and a cape. Not a good image. Terrible in fact. Horrible. Imagery. We should get rid of it.

Imagery... just think about it. Mr. President Clinton getting a BJ from Ms. Monica Lewinski. HAHAHA. You all just imagined it didn't you? Terrible isn't it.

How about this one.

Finger nails going down a chalkboard.

Now how many of you actually heard the sound when you imagined it? I know I did. Oh, and who is still thinking of Mr. President getting a BJ? HAHA. Caught you again.













Anyways, if you haven't checked Heroes out... DO. Pretty cool, and a bit creepy. I posted some of my favorite characters on here.

Hiro He is just funny.
Claire Is in need of help from all the hero's.
Peter Is just cute.
Niki Just has a CREEPY superpower.

How is there a connection between Heroes and President Clinton you ask? That is just how my sick mind works.

THE SEXY SIXTH...this was Loralee's idea!

My friend Loralee posts something "sexy" on the sixth of each month. You should totally go read her blog today. It is all about her "lovely ladies". Yeah, you heard me. For those of you that do not understand what "lovely ladies" are... I'll give you a hint. BREASTS!

Here is the link to her blog.

http://loraleeslooneytunes.blogspot.com/

Now I'll talk about something sexy on my own.

So here I am looking through my pictures. Let's just say Jess and Al better be really nice to me. I have sooooo many pictures of them. Pictures they wouldn't want shared.

Walking around in bra's.
Sitting on a toilet.
Sitting on a toilet holding a friends hand.
Mardi Gras in New Orleans (no explanation necessary)


You get my drift. Anyways, I just looked through all the pictures trying decide which one to put up here for all of you to see. Then I realized none of them would do. I would have to ask permission to use these you see. Unless either one did something to make me mad. Hmmm.

Anyone know of anything I could get mad at Jess or Al about? LMFAO

This post goes out to my sexy friends.

Loralee

Jess

and

Al

I think you are all hot!

In Heaven there is no beer?

'In heaven there is no beer
that's why we drink it here
and when i'm no longer here
my friends will be drinking all my beer'
-a Polka which is now my favorite song and reflects my feelings exactly (j & b- I'll drink all your beer or you'll drink all mine)

Once again, on my talk radio addiction-
I'm listening to a WPR (Wisconsin Public Radio) podcast called "Here on Earth" and this particular program currently playing is about the history of beer! What? Are you serious? A history of beer? How fabulous is that? For me, it is heaven. Which is obvious if you read my "A funny thing happened on the way home from the bar" post.
I especially like good beer (microbrew) and the old stand-by Miller Lite. Listen, you gotta give a girl a break about Miller Lite when she lived in Wisconsin for a few years. You can't NOT drink Miller Lite there. Especially when you can get 8 oz. mugs for like $1.25! That's right, I said $1.25. Man, I love not living in Utah but I also like not living in the Upper Midwest, I just liked their beer prices and football team.
Anyway, the history of beer is really quite interesting, as I'm positive the history of wine or vodka would be. It just so happens this program is about beer. Take that wine! Take that vodka!
Mmmmm. If only I could find the perfect IPA my quest would be over. But it's about this time of year that I partially switch to darker beers such as Porters (you know with the changing weather and all).
Mmmmmm. Beer. (My name for the day, Homer!)
So, in celbration of Octoberfest- let's raise our glasses to friendship, love (/shakes fist at stupid men), friendship (I know I already said it but it's that important to me), and food!
Slainte!
ps- If there's no beer in heaven then you can count me OUT!

The Dirty old RDB...

I love acronyms. I also love an inside joke.

Therefore, there is nothing better than an inside joke which includes acronyms. Like, for instance, RDB. I can tell you this much: it stands for Royal Douche Bag. Now, to get the inside joke part, I would have to explain a lot.

I would explain further, however, the RDB (you are laughing, aren't you!) in question is not a person I am liberty to discuss. Things are great with me and my man, so right now he has no assigned acronyms.

Are you a real bitch, an asshole, or just plain stupid? Yeah, you can just assume then that someone somewhere has an acronym for you.

"Dirty, lying, cheating RDB! I hope he chokes to death on his next Slurpee."

"Nothing worse than an RDB!"

"Screw that RDB. I never really liked him much anyway." Even though we all know you did. And it must have been a lot, or maybe you would have just called him a plain old DB. Tagging the "royal" on there makes it all the more important. You know, like a well-placed curse word, or an offensive name at the end of your sentence.

For your convenience, I have included some examples:

"Hey fucker! Watch where you are going!" (try it without the curse word. nowhere as forceful!)

"Oh yeah? You can't fire me! I quit... WHORE!" (ouch. she must be a bad boss!)

"Pass the ketchup, bitch." (some things need no explanation)

"Listen, ass face...." (oh i reckon he's listening...)

Back to acronyms. Always funny... and usually part of some stupid inside joke, that no one understands but a select few.

What would your life be like without "the select few" ??? Probably totally SUCKY and boring. And acronym-free...

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED BABY!

I have been missing from here for a few days because I have been busy. Real busy.

Now I am still really busy, but I must not care as much. Anyways, I'll give you an update on what I have been doing.

Well first of all. I read Al's post about drinking, getting pissed, being pissed drunk, biking, and crashing. First of all, I hope you are ok Al! Second of all, I am pulling out the "what were you thinking" line. Third of all, I laughed my ass off.

After reading posts I went to bed. I must have been more tired than I thought because I slept in. My poor son had to go to school late. Only an hour, but still. Here is where I get The Bad Mom of the Year Award.

Then later that afternoon I photographed for Sports Illustrated. Yep, you heard me correctly. Now that all the guys are drooling, let me fill you in on a few details.

1. I was the only girl involved.
2. It was only a headshot.
3. It was of a high school boy that is REALLY good.
4. His dad was there.

Boring I know... but I got paid.

Then I watched my kids at ice skating.

Then I entertained in-laws.

Let's just say I need more sleep now. I lost all motivation to do anything, and I am falling behind fast.

A funny thing happened on the way home from the bar

I think all good stories begin that way. And I may be somewhat of an expert on such stories. I've both told and heard a mass amount of them.
Last night I went to a local tavern/pub to watch my Packers lose to the Eagles. I limited myself to 1 beer a quarter, however this pub brews its own brew and I love their IPA which is like 6% alcohol (twice what you poor, poor Utahns are used to). I kept to my 1 beer a quarter and ordered a samich during the 3rd quarter for dinner. I was golden. Until the Packers decided to go home or reflect inside themselves or quit playing or something, then I think the IPA decided it was time to do it's job. Do you think I listened to the IPA and stopped at 3? Nope! The Packers were losing.
The game ended and I went out, got on my bike, turned on my lights and began my short trek home. During my ride my brother called to find out the end result of the game and like a drunken idiot, I answered the phone. I don't care how adept and agile you are or what kind of bicycle riding pro you are, talking on the phone and riding a bike do not mesh. If you add beer to that, well, you're in trouble.
Back to the story- I was talking to my brother and he was giving me guff about the Pack losing and I was swerving along the road. I told my brother that I thought I was going to fall and thus I did! Yep, I wrecked my bike. And I have the road rash on my arm to prove it.

MNF!!!

Are you ready for some football? Some Monday night parties? (thanks to Wolfman Jack).
So it's Monday night and my team (the Packers) are playing Philidelphia. WTF is up with that? Seriously, my team is sucking it up HARD this year with a fantabulous record of 1-3. And that 1 win, against the Lions (who can't beat the Lions? maybe SF...)
when i saw the schedule i found myself thinking
"did good ole tagliavou (sp?) come up with this schedule, and if so, why would he pit a team that had 1 mediocre year and 1 crap year against the 4 time division champ eagles? and on monday night no less? really! i thought monday night was reserved for great matchups!"
i'm really not a fair-weather fan. being a Jazz fan for my entire life has taught me to revel in the pain and misery of complete sports team disapointment.
the thing is that as a fan i have to go watch the game. this means i have to go and sit in a bar and as my team finds itself falling further and further behind, i will purchase more and more beer. oh, i never thought i'd rue the day that mnf went from abc to espn. i guess that's why people get cable. and believe you me, i'd get cable too, if only for football and basketball but it just doesn't seem to be in the books right now.
anyway- i'd like to end with a BIG shout out to my Pack and say "Go, Pack, Go!"
if only someone hadn't stolen my computer i'd put a picture of me w/g-man (the pack mascot) here.
/sigh

geek O rama! (cuz that's how i roll, yo)

ok, bridge officially sucks.

she has cool geek stuff like digital cameras, (note the S!) iPods, a cool-ass wireless network in her house (complete with like 23 computers), a teamspeak headset (ok, not so cool), this electronic pen and pad thingy and granite countertops.

due to her unlimited access to geek products (and a close kinship with bill gates, i am certain!) her blog posts are gonna be way cooler than mine. (i still love her)

ok, ok, so she is a photographer. i guess i can concede the digital cameraS part. but i will NOT forgive her for the granite countertops. or the teamspeak headset.

i have a computer with a broken CD burner (soon to be replaced) and i recently found out that it only had 256 mg of ram. yeah, i fixed THAT real fast, thanks to an uber geek at my place of employment. i even installed it myself. how cool is that??

i am gonna work on my ability to upload photos. stay tuned for details.

and in a completely unrelated story, my parents took me to lunch today for my birthday. they had the waitresses sing to me. i was SOOOO embarrassed. it was awesome for everyone but me. :) i felt like such a geek.

kids gone wild... with my digital camera!

THE PRODUCT SHOT











THE DETAIL SHOT












THE CANDID SHOT











THE NATURE SHOT












THE FAMILY PORTRAIT










THE "BAD" FAMILY PORTRAIT











I would like to thank my daughter and son for "borrowing" my digital camera. These images are copyrighted to them, and I think you will understand why I cannot claim them. They are pieces of art /cough /cough. I am sure Jess will certainly appreciate the "product" shot.

Anyways, this is what happens when you let your kids play. They had a blast.