tha dawg dayz of summer, yo

it's hot. and not just hot, but HAWT. it's been 95 plus for more than a week...and it's going to stay that way for at least another week. it's even hot at night...the temperature doesn't get much lower than 60. it was 82 degrees at 10 a.m. at least that's what the bank clock said. you know how accurate those are!

as a direct result of the heat, my brain has almost ceased functioning. the days at work are lonnnnnnnng. and as long as they are, they are dullllllll. (in my best ben stein voice...)

it's enough to drive me insane.

the a/c in my car does not work. it's $600 to fix. to remedy this small problem, i park under the one tiny tree in the work parking lot, with the windows rolled down. yesterday, i get to work, and this dude i work with has stolen my space. everyone knows i park there. it's official: i hate him. he probably doesn't care, but so what? neither do i. QUIT PARKING IN MY SPACE!!

i don't know if it's the heat or if they are just bored, but my kids are driving me NUTS. this is my morning, EVERY morning...

the scene: mom is in the bathroom, rushing to get ready for work, because as usual, she hit snooze one too many times. a tiny timid knock comes at the door...
me: yes...
jenna: whine whine whine (i can't hear her, b/c she didn't open the door...which she KNOWS i hate, b/c i CAN'T HEAR HER!)
me: honey, you'll have to open the door and come in. i can't hear you.
jenna: (in a ginormous whiny voice) mom, will you help me find clothes? i can't find any clothes.
me: honey, you picked an outfit last night.
jenna: but i don't like that one.
me: did you sleep well?
jenna: no. jakey kept me up all night long. he stole the covers.
me: go get dressed.
jenna stomps off, crying. she later returns for me to do her hair. this always leads to much crying and threats for me to CHOP IT OFF. and i am not kidding. (it's almost down to her butt.) so i finally come out of the bathroom, gather my things, rush around, tidy up, etc...then...
jenna: (whiny voice again) mommy, i just don't know what to have for breakfast today. there's nothing to eat.
me: you didn't eat yet? honey! you've had 20 minutes!!
jenna: i don't know what to have!! (and she's CRYING)
me: how about toast? (as i slam two pieces of bread in the toaster. i can't BELIEVE this is happening again.)
jenna: fine. can i have sugar on it?
me: NO.

at night, they fight incessantly. jenna's always tattling or crying, jake's always laughing and taunting his sister. i honestly don't know how much more i can take. this...after i drive home for 30 minutes in traffic, with no a/c and parking space dude STOLE MY SPOT...so he can make his five minute drive home.

it's time for bed. at least my home is air conditioned. please send good thoughts to the families of the firefighters fighting to contain the milford flat wildfire in central utah, and to anyone who lives there or who is traveling near there.

swimming lessons

when i was a kid, i rode the bus with a group of fellow heathens to the high school swimming pool for lessons. i am not sure i would let my kids do that today, although i think i was about jake's age the first time i went. i was a horrible swimmer then, and i am sure i am not any better now.

rewind... i am about 7 years old or so. i jumped off of a high diving board into my dad's arms...but my dad missed me (slippery little kid!) and i plunged to the bottom of the pool. it scared me to death. i was officially scarred for life.

fast forward...level 4 swimming lessons. (and i know the dude's name, but i won't share it here) let's call him assmunch. assmunch (the teacher) is making us jump from the diving board. i don't want to. assmunch makes me anyway. so i stand on the board, sobbing, in front of all my friends and people who weren't my friends. finally i jump....turns out i didn't die. so what???? i wanted to. i'll probably never jump off of a diving board again in my life. assmunch is hated by me to this day. he contributed to my humiliation and i'll never forget it.

ruined for life. ruined. i don't remember having a great childhood...just for the record. this was just another unhappy snippet.

my kids started lessons today. jake was placed in the level 2 group, then quickly moved up to the 3 group. jenna is still level 1, but i think they'll move her tomorrow. she's doing great.

i am scared for my kids to swim. i have completely irrational fear they'll drown. two years ago, my son got out a little too close to the deep end at my sister's pool, and i had to jump in fully clothed to save his scrawny little ass from drowning. today, the little monkey is doing front flips off the diving board (after no less than 3 big ass bounces). he made my heart stop. you know... i don't panic about much of what my kids do. i am pretty liberal with their activities. this one has me all worked up.

they are growing up so fast. is that what bothers me more than anything else?

Thank you... thank you... and thank you!

I have great friends. I have great family. I also have great blog readers. I really want all of you to know that. I have never before asked friends or family for money. Well maybe I have, but only for a few dollars if I was short at lunch. Thanks Jess! Thanks Loralee! Thanks Al!

Now that I have (asked for help, that is)... I am impressed.

In less than one week we have raised more than $500 toward the cough assist machine for my nephew Isis and my niece Phoenix. This astounds me! It makes me smile that a hobby of mine (blogging) can be of great use and help someone. Actually two someones whom I care a great deal about. I am completely stunned that complete strangers would help me raise money for my nephew and niece whose father (my brother-in-law) grew up in Logan, Utah. Thank you!

Currently they have raised $3,255.12 of the $10,000 required to buy this machine. This machine is very important. Since I wrote my first post on this subject, Isis has been hospitalized for respiratory problems. Hopefully they will no longer have this type of problem after they get the cough assist. So once again... I thank all of you.

I also want to specifically thank Karen, Loralee and Rob for all blogging about this. I wouldn't have been able to reach the amount of people that I did without you. Thank you. To all the strangers, and not so strangers, that contributed from their blogs... THANK YOU TOO!

To be announced... about Isis and Phoenix

An updated and thank you post will be released later tonight or tomorrow morning on the status of the cough assist machine for Isis and Phoenix. I am currently waiting for an email from their mother Jasmine.

In the meantime I want to let you all know I appreciate every single donation that has been made.

More to come...

My nephew and niece need your help!

I am asking you to help... I understand if you can't...

My nephew Isis and my new niece Phoenix have finally been diagnosed with Rigid Spine Muscular Dystrophy. It has taken over FIVE years to get this diagnosis. That is five years of my brother-in-law and sister-in-law worrying all the time. Having test after test done on Isis, and still not knowing what is wrong. It hasn't been easy for their family. It hasn't been easy for my family either. In many ways we are thankful that we know what they have. We are all finally done wondering. Now that we know though... we are all sad. Rigid Spine Muscular Dystrophy is not any easy disease to have.

Since Isis was 6 months old he has been fed by a feeding tube. Originally it was through his nose down to his stomach, but now he has a plug which is actually connected through his belly to his stomach. Everyday Isis sits for hours when a machine pumps food into his stomach. Tell me this... when was the last time you saw a 6 year old sit for hours to eat? How about a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 year old? Isis has done this his whole life. His parents taught him to read at a very early age, and so he either reads or draws to pass the time. I am attaching some drawings that Isis did, and that his mother colored for him.

Although there is no cure, there are ways to prolong life and help these children that have this disease. One is a cough assist machine that helps them cough. With Rigid Spine both my niece and nephew have very weak muscles. So weak in fact that Isis still cannot stand up by himself without having help or using furniture. He is six years old now. Phoenix cannot even sit, or does she even try to sit/crawl/scoot. We think she may be worse than her brother. The cough assist machine will will be used for both kids, and they will be hooked up in the morning to strengthen their lungs. Hopefully with this they can better fight off illness, and we can have them with us as long as possible.

My brother-in-law Nick is asking for donations for the cough assist machine. Even small donations will add up. It is not covered at all by insurance nor will he get one from the Australian government. Socialized medicine apparently doesn't think it is necessary. I guess it isn't, but will it ever help them. /sigh I am asking my friends and family to help me help them get this machine. I realize not everyone can donate, and I do not expect anyone to. I just want to give you the opportunity. Thank you friends!

Read below to find out how to donate, and to read up more about Rigid Spine. Nick has a blog and a website. The links are below. Thank you again!

From Nick... "Isis and Phoenix have a very rare disease called Rigid Spine Muscular Dystrophy. After attending a really great Muscular Dystrophy conference we discovered a machine that will help Isis and Phoenix to fight of Chest infections in the years to come. It is called the Cough Assist...

Attached is a flyer we are spreading around, because we are trying to get enough money for the machine which is $10,000 US.

If you can help us in any way please read the flyer, or visit the HERO: The Isis Barfuss Cough Assist Campaign website Nick built to find out how you can help. http://www.nickbarfuss.com/hero

Even if you can't (which is totally fine, please don't feel like you have to!) check out the following websites to find out more about Isis and Phoenix and their condition!

http://www.nickbarfuss.com/hero

A site created by Nick to help raise awareness about the importance the Cough Assist Machine for Isis and Phoenix.

http://rigidspine.blogspot.com/

**edit by jess**
dear friends and readers in the blogosphere...please help us by linking to either this page or directly to the websites nick has created (links above). we really want to get the word out here and raise awareness as much as we can... got any ideas? send them to us by email (bestmonkeyfriends AT yahoo DOT com) or leave a comment on this post. xoxo

Last Saturday my son almost died...

Yes, you read that correctly. Last Saturday my son almost died. He is FINE. Let me put that out there for all of you before you worry too much.

How did he almost die?

My son picked up a rattlesnake. A young, very venomous, very real rattlesnake. I know it was a rattlesnake because I took a picture of it at the end of it all.

He WASN'T bitten. I don't know how. I don't know why. I am just very thankful.

Now that you know all the important parts I will begin the story.

I had decided to take my husband and family camping for fathers day. My husband loves to camp. I hate it. I hate it even more now. Anyways, I went shopping and purchased all the food required for this weekend retreat. Gram crackers, marsh mellows, chocolate... can you tell we made smores? I also picked up some chicken and potatoes for dutch oven cooking. Yum. My husband was in charge of packing the tent, sleeping bags, and all the other camping equipment. He did a great job.

Saturday morning my husband went and picked out a camping spot up Logan Canyon. Guinavah-Malibu was his camp site of choice. The site was great. Close to the bathrooms and nicely shaded. He took the kids up early and set up camp. I had to work until 5:30 p.m. that night, so I arrived around 7:00 p.m. I finally arrive and the kids go nuts. The are very excited that I am there. The really cool feature at this particular campsite is there is an amphitheater. My husband and I actually got married there.

My husband and kids all brought their guitars so they wanted to perform on the stage. We go up and they all take turns performing. My husband plays real songs while my kids strum and make up songs. Quite entertaining. It is fun to hear what they come up with. During my daughters performance my son goes down the side steps to come around and sit by me. He decided, I guess, to go the "long" way. Then he starts calling me,"Hey Mom! Come here!" He sounded really excited and honestly WAS. /shudders I stand up and walk behind the amphitheaterwhere he is now located. He bends down and picks up a snake and starts laughing.
Alright, we ALL now know how much I really HATE snakes. Any snakes.

Here is the dialog and my observations at this point:
Me: PUT THAT SNAKE DOWN!
Son: Why? Is it venomous?
(At this particular time I cannot tell that it is a rattlesnake. I am about 15 feet away and it is small. It also looked slightly yellow to me, but alarm bells were ringing in my head.)
Me: I DON'T KNOW. PUT THE SNAKE DOWN!
Son: I want to show dad.
Me: PUT THE SNAKE DOWN!
Son: If I swing it this way mom it can't bite me.
(He starts swinging the snake in a circle. He is holding the snake by the tail. He also starts running towards me since he KNOWS I am scared of snakes.)
Son: Dad! I got a snake!
Dad: Let me see it.
Me: PUT THE SNAKE DOWN! (seems this is all I could say)
Dad: (takes snake by tail) Um, this is a Rattlesnake Brigitte.)
Me: SON, GET AWAY FROM YOUR DAD NOW!!! THAT SNAKE IS POISONOUS!
(My son steps away and I pull him back. My husband walks away and puts the snake down. FINALLY)
Me: Son, did you get bitten? Honestly, tell me now. Did the snake bite you? I need to know if I have to take you to the hospital right now.
Son: Um... no.
Me: Son, you have to tell me now. Did it bite you anywhere?
Son: NO MOM!
(My husband comes back now)
Me: Dad, did the snake bite you?
Dad: No.
Me: Are you sure? Check.
(This is when I personally check my son and husband for bites. I honestly don't believe either of them.)

In conclusion, both my son and husband are fine. Neither was bitten. I have checked my son at least five times a day since this event. I keep looking at his feet and hands. I know how serious this is. If that snake would have bitten my son he would most likely be dead right now. At the least his arm would have been amputated. The smaller rattlesnakes supposedly have three times the concentrate of venom. I am very thankful that this didn't end up a tragedy. Around 8000 people are bitten each year by venomous snakes in the United States. Around 15 of them die each year. Most of the deaths occur in children and people who weigh less than 120 lbs. I've been studying. Just go to the links to read for yourself.

I am very relieved, but I am also very angry. I am angry at myself that I didn't teach my son better. I have a snake book and have often read it to him. I have shown him what a rattlesnake looks like. We have a lot around here. I am very angry with myself for not explaining in absolute detail what we should do when we see this type of snake. I have said that we leave them alone and get away. Obviously it wasn't enough. Now he knows that he is NOT allowed to pick up any snakes at all, unless his dad says he can. NO SNAKES. NONE. So if his dad is not there... too bad. I made this point clear. I make it clear everyday.

I have also cried everyday. The emotions that go through me astound me. One second I am fine, and then the next I am bawling. I can't help it. I just keep thinking "what if?" I really could use some type of muscle relaxer, Valium, mind-altering drug (not that I am endorsing them at all) to get my mind off of this. I have to take Tylenol PM at night just to finally fall asleep. I hope this goes away someday. Any advice?

I love my son.
I love my husband.
I love my daughter.
I love my parents.
I love my friends. All of you.

Because I am a meany and a terrible mom!

Let's get this straight. I know I am NOT a terrible mom. Maybe not a great mom, but not a terrible one. Some days are better than others. If you have kids you understand. If you don't have kids, but have mistakenly visited a "family" restaurant... you also understand.

Today my daughter tried to manipulate me.

Remember that she is five years old. FIVE!

Here is the scenario...

Today my daughter, my mother and I had lunch at Arby's in Logan. In case their headquarters happens to Google this... we had great customer service. Give all the employees raises! Anyways, Arby's was terribly busy today. We finished eating and my daughter wanted some ice cream. Anyone who knows my mom knows how much of a sucker she is for giving my kids anything they want. They are her only grand kids after all. What this meant is that I got to stand in line for 15 minutes waiting to order an ice cream. Once again the employees were working their butts off Arby's headquarters. Trust me. So... my daughter got her ice cream.

Fast forward five minutes later in the car...

This is when I am driving to Maceys in Providence.

Daughter: mom, um, since we are going to Maceys can I have a doughnut?
Me: Uh, NO.
Daughter: Why not momma?
Me: Because you are currently eating a milkshake and do not need anymore sugar today.
Daughter: Why not? You have loaded me up with sugar before. (Yes, she said this)
Me: Well, um, I really do NOT like to load you up on sugar.
Daughter: PLEASE??? (in that annoying voice)
Me: No... I am a mean mom.
Daughter: No your not. (in the sing song voice)
Me: Um, yes I am! (in the same sing song voice)

Fast forward 20 minutes later...

I get out of the car and start to go into the house. My arms are full with groceries. This is when my daughter starts complaining that she has to carry in a milkshake and gum. Yeah, a milkshake and a gum. Let me remind you that my arms are FULL. So I leave her in the car.

My daughter is perfectly capable of carrying in said items, and she gets in and out of the car by herself all the time.

Ten minutes later she comes into the house crying that I left her and that I am a "mean" mom because I wouldn't help her carry ALL of her stuff in.

I swear I give up.

Life... or something like it.

Life...

For all of you that KNOW, things are officially on the upside in my life right now.

Or something like it...

My son gets out of school on Friday. I am not looking forward to this at all. Not at all. To tell you the truth, most parents have the same feelings that I do. We love our kids. We really do. It is just that three months is a LONG time.

The thing that is the hardest for me in the summer is my kids complaining about being bored. I really try hard to have activities for them to do almost every day, but it is hard. I set up play dates, we go on walks or hikes, we camp and barbecue, we visit friends, we go to grandmas, we go on vacations, and we watch movies and t.v. It really doesn't matter because my kids get bored. I just get annoyed.

So just plan on me going nuts here in the next few months.

The things kids say...

**Note** I actually wrote this post weeks ago. I finally decided to post it since I have nothing else I can actually write about. Not that I don't have stuff to write about... just that I currently CAN'T write about it. Let's just say I had a really shitty last week. If you really want to know about it send me an email.

**End Note**

Warning, this post is not being censored... Possibly should be, but it isn't.

1. If you do not like foul language, DO NOT READ THIS POST.
2. Once again... foul language. Hello, if you hate foul language why are you still reading? Trust me... STOP!
3. I warned you...
   

I am about to tell you a true story. An unfortunately true story.

How do you know when it is time to clean up your language? Not always an easy question for some adults. It could be when your mom washes out your mouth with soap. It could be when you get in trouble by a teacher. It could be when you decide to have kids. For my husband... It is when my children used bad language in the correct context.

Here is some important information to the set-up of the story:

My son at the time is 4 years old.

• My daughter was only 2 years old.
• It is a Sunday morning.
• I, the non morning person, was asleep.
• My husband, tired from staying out late with some of his friends, is currently awake with the kids.
• My kids call Chex cereal the "square kind". Not to be confused with "round kind" which is Kix.
  

Daughter: Dad I am hungry.

Dad: Alright, I will get you some cereal.

This is when my husband goes and gets some cereal and pours it for our poor starving children. He adds the milk, and gets their drinks ready. Then he puts the bowls in front of my children at the table. Remember he is REALLY tired.

Daughter: (looks at cereal in disgust) I wanted the God damned square kind.

Dad: (looks at daughter in a startled manner)

Son: Yeah dad, and shut the fucking curtains!

So my husband got the God damned square kind and he shut the fucking curtains.

What else could he do? Then he came and woke me up to take care of them. He had enough for one morning. He later told me that was when he realized then that he needed to watch what he said.

I swear this story is true.

Since then we have taught our children that potty language is only acceptable in "the potty." Makes for interesting dinners when one of our children really wants to say something bad. The get up from dinner and go in the bathroom and shout bad words like "poop, shut up, and stupid." Doesn't get rid of the fact that you still hear it, but at least you know they are learning when to use it. LOL.

i'm a crazy mom

my son's been invited to try out for competitive soccer. omg.

first thought: my son rocks at sports! bitchin!

second thought: holy shit balls!! how much money is this going to cost me??

third thought: omg. what if he doesn't make the team? how will i make his hurt go away.

fourth thought: of course he'll make it. he's b'dass!!

as you all know (all three of you who even bother to read this drivel), i coached my daughter's soccer team this spring. i am insane sports nut and an even more insane sports mom. i am competitive. i yell at the kids. i yell at the ref. i boo at bad calls. occasionally, (ok, often) i display what most would refer to as poor sportsmanship.

sfw?

winning is IMPORTANT. ask ANYONE who loses EVERYTHING if winning matters. this bullshit we feed kids about how winning isn't important is no good. it totally matters. to get ahead, you have to be the best. the smartest. the most attractive. you have to know the right people. you have to be in the right place at the right time. winning really matters.

having fun matters, too. of course it does. if you win, but you aren't having fun, then that isn't good either. there's definitely a fine line there. but i ask you this: is losing fun? of course not, but you can lose and still have a great time in the process. it's ok to lose. but i think it's wrong to teach kids that losing is every bit as good as winning. that is a big fat huge lie. it opens up the door across the hall from the door labeled "do your best." the door across the hall says "it's ok to screw up as long as you claimed you did your best even when you know you really didn't."

this line of thinking...i like to call it Hey! Mediocrity is Fine by Me! seems to be as common as VISA Accepted Here.

losing gives you a reason to improve. to practice. to go back to school. to fight for what's right. to gain motivation. to get out there and KICK SOME ASS.

i told you i was crazy.

if my son doesn't make this team, i might die. i don't know who wants it worse: me or him. jeez!!

p.s. JESS IS BACK IN DA HOUSE!!!

i've got nothing to say...

these days.

i've been busy. i've been working my ass off. i've been coaching soccer, helping jake with scout badges, taking care of a post-surgery cat, cleaning, cooking, folding laundry, weeding, working, improving my golf game, watching "deadliest catch" and worrying i am forgetting to do something, somewhere.

i'm tired just typing all that shiz.

jenna has some kind of weird bite on her leg. it's infucted. i had to do some minor surgery on it tonight...NOT fun. she was pretty tough, though and the prognosis looks good. do NOT tell her this, but i am 99% sure it's a spider bite. i might get to pay HER medical deductible this year, too! yay me!! gross warning: don't read any farther if you don't wanna be grossed out... but i squished so much pus out of her leg tonight that i think she's reached pus quotas for 2007. round 2 tomorrow, i am sure. i'll keep you posted...it doesn't look serious right now, but i will definitely take her to the doctor if i need to.

jake scored four goals in his game tonight. one of them came from an awesome penalty kick he got to take. he's got some hot sauce on his kicker and he sure enjoys being the star. next month's project: humility. i promise.

yeah, right.

my utility company sent me a shut-off notice. this in SPITE of me paying my bills every month. something's whack with my e-payments online. great. like i have time for this shit.

paul and i may be house shopping very soon. if you'd like to donate, you can email me and i'll send my mailing address. ha ha ha!! anyway, it looks like we'll qualify for a mortgage, but i am not getting my hopes up toooo soon. i know better than to do that.

peace out. sorry i've got nothing to say these days. why doesn't someone give me a topic? that would help immensely!!

our cat is in heat

do i really need to say anything else?? i had no idea just how awful this is. we've been meaning to spay and declaw for some time now, but there was really no rush as this cat is 100% indoors. when i called around to get prices, i understood why people don't bother to spay or neuter. it's EXPENSIVE. so...to spay, declaw and give this little kitty her shots will cost us about $200. it's the right thing to do, but this is ridiculous.

so, back to the cat in heat thing. take the time in your life when you were just the horniest ever. now multiply that by 3,746,189. this is how bad this cat wants a man cat in her life. she's constantly meowing. and it's not just meowing...it's absolute caterwauling! (ha...ha caterwauling. i crack myself up.) she rolls all over and writhes on the floor. rubs herself on whatever or whomever is available. walks around with her bum in the air. marches her hind legs on the floor incessantly.

she peed on my bed. why is this cat still alive???!??!?!? this cat is hating life. as long as the last three days have been for me, it must have been 10 times worse for her.

this post sure involves a shit ton of math. sorry bout that...

yesterday, we scoped the neighborhood for an appropriate-looking stud. paul found one, brought him over, and introduced the two lucky cats.

ace hated him. she growled at him the ENTIRE time...i thought it was rather ungrateful behavior, to say the least. what a little bitch. it cured her of the heat for about 3 hours, however.

i called the vet first thing yesterday, to see if we could get her in for "emergency" surgery. HEY...it's an emergency to me. and i am the one who REALLY counts. no dice. the soonest appointment they had is tuesday....so she asks if i'll be dropping off the little horny kitty on monday night or tuesday morning. DUH. what a no brainer. MONDAY NIGHT. i need my sleep. this damn cat howls ALL NIGHT LONG.

pets suck. at least this one does anyway. i KNOW why i put up with it, too. in spite of my bitching, i have a giant soft spot for animals and i do believe in responsible pet ownership. but dammit this shit sucks.

~soccer update~
my kids lost their mid-week game, won again on saturday. i am not sure what kids showed up last wednesday, but i am sure they weren't my usual team. i was glad to have their usual selves (is selves a word?? it is now!!) show up to play on saturday morning.

jake's team continues to suck. they just don't get it. poor jake is out there, trying to play everywhere, and OBVIOUSLY that isn't working. he took a ball to the face VERY hard on saturday...and it just cold-cocked him. i sat calmly on the sideline, as i didn't want to embarrass him by running over all crazy-mom style for nothing...but then he didn't get up...and he didn't get up. so... i bolted up out of my chair crazy-mom style and ran across the field like a lightning bolt. i got over to him, knelt down to see wtf as he sat up...and the blood just poured out of his nose. i wanted to bawl. my baby was hurt!! he got up and walked off the field on his own, while his mom (yeah, that's me!!) caught his blood in her hand. everyone clapped for him and at least 3 people offered me Kleenex as soon as we walked off the field. what a great display of sportsmanship. we got the bleeding to stop and jake ran back over to finish the game, but his coach didn't put him back in.

thank god.

April Showers... yeah right!

So it is snowing outside right now. The really wet, cold, big flake type of snow. /shivers

I am not happy.

Jess is not happy.

Both of our kids will NOT be happy... not during their soccer games in a few hours. Soccer in the snow... not my idea of a fun time. Not at all.

It is really cold. REALLY REALLY COLD. I have to stress this.

Can you tell that I am grumpy?

off da grid

it's been a busy weekend. first, both of my kids played soccer saturday morning. my son scored two goals and kicked so much butt at his game. my daughter scored 4 goals and our team won 18-1. Yeah, that isn't a typo. Our team: 18 goals. Their team: One. My kids rucking FAWK.

then, i drove my kids about 1.5 hours away so they could spend some time with their grandma...my ex-husband's mom. after paul and i dropped them off, we went car shopping (still no purchase...he wants a mazda 6, i want a honda pilot or a yukon/tahoe). then we went to super target, cuz there isn't one in cache valley.

did i miss a memo? apparently yesterday was national idiot day. everywhere we went, we were surrounded.

after we went shopping, we went go-karting, which was so much fun! then we played miniature golf. i lost, of course, and i was totally pissed about it. friday afternoon i went out and played my first round of golf for 2007. my arms and my back are still killing me today. i shot 72 for nine holes. for those of you who don't play golf, 72 is a totally shitty score. paul shot a 36, if that puts it in perspective at all.

for dinner we ate a le nonnne! i finally got paul to roll to a nice restaurant! i had the most delicious spinach ravioli in a butter sage sauce....and tons of ciabatta with pesto. i left very happy.

today i went back to pick up my kids...and i stopped off at ross to shop before i left. i got tons of great new clothes and the most awesome puma shoes i have been wanting for a year now!!

on another note, i came to the realization this weekend that i am addicted to food. i have a problem. i have even considered making myself puke more than once over the last week. the only thing that has saved me is that i hate to puke (NO disrespect to people with eating disorders) AND i think that is just so f*cked up to do that. so. back on a diet and i am joining the gym tomorrow. something has to change.

now...tomorrow, thanks to bridgy's mom, my whole family is going to a jazz game. the kids are soooo excited. i think it's going to be hell. i'm sure i'll keep you posted.

p.s. al and bridge. love you gals. we haven't talked much lately.

gotta go...the sopranos is on.

hip hip hooray!

three cheers for the soccer mom! my kids kicked serious tail yesterday in our very first game. i actually felt bad for the other team. our kids: 7. their kids: 0. scoring no goals is suckage and my heart went out to them. my kids showed great spirit too, considering the wind chill yesterday made it about 33 degrees fahrenheit. brrrrsky.

my apologies for the absence. i wonder if anyone else experiences the writer's block that i do after i fail to post for almost a week. it seems like the words flow when i post often and the words clog up in the torso chute when i post rarely.

random randomness from the past 5 days (in no particular order):

12-15 coronas in one sitting leads to extreme drunkeness.

steak and eggs at 2 am with friends is divine.

never drink so much as to miss your boss breakdancing!

blackjack is all about beating the dealer. even if you have to sit on 12.

the utah jazz suck so much ass. up by 20 points in the 3rd, lose by three when the buzzer sounds. lame-os!!

going back to work after a vacation sucks.

i love my kids. they have been very helpful all week and really good sports about everything. they are cute and i love them.

easter dinner kicked so much butt.

sanjaya is still on american idol. W. T. F?!?!??!?!?

i keep watching dancing with the stars in the hopes that heather mills' leg will fall off. hold your hate mail and admit you'd like to see it too!! i know it's wrong, but at least i'll own it.

why am i still watching lost? nothing happens on this show ever.

i knew larry birkhead was the father of anna nicole's baby.

it's good to be back. mwah. xoxo...

soccer mom i am

it's official! i am a soccer mom. i'm coaching a group of 5- and 6-year-olds. the soccer is the EASY part. the 5- and 6-year-olds are the HARD part! holyyyy cow, did i EVER underestimate how tricky this would be.

first of all, they are just the cutest bunch of kids ever! my daughter was telling her brother and stepsisters last night after our first practice that "the other kids called Mom 'Coach' but I just call her Mom, cuz that is what she is: my mom!"

jake says to her, "jenna, you should just call her coach - because calling her mom? Well, that's just embarrassing."

my son is already embarrassed by me. great.

part 2: i ran into one of the other moms this morning at the post office. i asked her if her son had a good time at practice. she said, "oh yes, he LOVED it. he came home and told me he was happy to have all of the hot girls on his team." we both rolled our eyes.

HA HA HA! Hot girls! these kids are 5 and 6!!!!

halfway through the practice, ALL of the kids have to pee, and there are no facilities. plus, they are all dog tired. and thirsty. some of the girls started doing cartwheels! one of the kids says "i feel like i am going to throw up." another got his head stuck in the net no less than 7 times.

i may have bitten off more than i can chew. i'll keep you posted. i am having fun and still have hope for a winning season. LOL

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BeeeeRIDGE. i love you!

Kids grow up...

My son is suddenly growing up fast. He is 7, and really starting to understand how the world works. Today I got all sad when I realized that at the end of this month he was conceived 8 years ago. An accident... yes. A ONE TIME accident I should specify. He can be a handful sometimes, but man do I love him.

I really should tell you why my son is growing up. I had two funny stories about him just today.

FUNNY STORY 1: This afternoon when I went to the doctor.

I have been sick for quite some time. Cold... Flu... Pneumonia... Bronchitis... I really had no clue. I just haven't got better. We are going on three weeks here dammit! So I woke up today feeling really crappy. /cough /cough. I walked up a flight of steps and I could not breath. I decide to go to the doctor.

My kids haven't even realized I have been sick for three weeks. One of the reasons I am not better yet I was told by the doctor. Figures.

In the waiting room the receptionist gives me a mask. My kids look worried.

We go into the exam room. While waiting my son starts asking me if I am going to be okay. I assured him I would be fine. /cough /cough. Then he is quiet for a few minutes. Next thing I know he states, "We will eat cereal, Eggo waffles, and popcorn mom. I'll cook it for us."

See these are all things I let him cook. He honestly was worried about this. His mom was sooooo sick she actually went to the doctor. W who was going to feed him? He obviously forgot about his father whom was coming home in a few hours.

I almost laughed, and then I almost cried. How sweet was that? My son taking care of me. Made me love him all the more.

FUNNY STORY 2: I get out of a bath.

So now my husband is home from snowboarding. He takes a hot bath and I feel like joining him. Being all sick a nice HOT bath sounds great. I should mention that my bathtub is really big.

Anyways, we sit and chat for awhile and then he gets out to go make dinner. After a bit I get out too. I put a towel around me when my husband yells something to me so I go to ask him what he said.

My son sees me in a towel.

He looks straight at my husband and starts laughing and says, "You guys were having sex." You know... in that sing song way kids make fun of other kids? I honestly almost lost it. My son still thinks that sex is laying in bed next to each other and then kissing. Close... but he really isn't the age to actually tell him what it REALLY is. /whew

Now it doesn't help that my husband starts laughing and says, "Um, no were were not." It then took a minute to convince my son that NO we were not having sex. For two seconds I felt like a teenager that was caught by my parents. It was my son... and I was innocent dang it!

So there you go. I am starting to feel old. Then the fact that my bday is coming up. I am still sick and am supposed to really rest. Doctors orders. No running and passing out. Rest. At least he gave me some really good cough syrup that puts you to sleep. /smile

I am soooo not a winner this month.

weekend update...hosted by jess

soooo... i made it through the weekend. my daughter turned 6! yay! we had like, 18 5-and 6-year-old girls in my 900 sq. foot house. it freakin' rocked!

party supplies (plates, treat sacks, crafty project,) = $23
barbie 12 dancing princesses birthday cake = $20
my daughter feeling like a princess alllll weekend = priceless!
everyone finally leaving after 1.5 hours = EXTRA priceless bonus!

good friends to help me clean up = i am truly blessed. thanks to you both. you know who you are. and thank you thank you thank you to my wonderful man. he put up with all of this in spite of having a horrible cold. (i may or may not have slipped him a mickey. i'll never tell!)

i got her a new bike. she was stoked. my son almost ruined the surprise by loudly exclaiming, "OHHHHHHHHHHH!" as i walked in. her dad sent her some toys that require no less than ten double AA batteries. doesn't he KNOW that batteries aren't included!! /shakes fist!! oh well, he DID send great gifts...and i DO appreciate that.

**all of the links below will open in a new window when you click them**

tonight i have been watching the oscars. i thought about making this a separate post, but it's easier to put it all in one. what this really means is i am lazy. get over it. first of all, why did no one mention to me that these are not the oscars any more, but the algores? this puffy guy just won't go away. i am soooo over him and his ridiculously-named wife. we all have our own beliefs about global warming... but that doesn't make want to like this guy. i just cannot do it. just for the record, i abhor most, if not all, politicians. except the dead ones. may they R.I.P.

ellen de generes: simply fabulous. this should be a permanent gig for her as she is a natural

cameron diaz: loooks soo damn old

gwyneth paltrow: i hate this stuffy bitch. she was all trying to talk with a british accent and she hates america. plus her dress sucked. not the cut, but the color was yuk

tom cruise: also looked old. where the hell was his snaggle-toothed wife??

j.lo and her husband: ok...this guy always just looks weird. he is well-dressed, but does anyone else think he looks like skeletor?

jack nicholson: ok, so we KNOW this guy is a bad ass. why did he have to go and shave his head? doesn't he know that, thanks to britney, this look is NOT so in??

the first three point five hours: laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. NO disrespect to the awards given out for best documentary, best costumes, best makeup or best cinematography and all of the REST of the crap they hand out, BUT NO ONE CARES. we want to see what everyone is wearing and want to know who wins best actor/actress, best movie and best director. period. get on with it. the best parts of these hours included the creative dancers as they portrayed several of the movies which were nominated and the bits with ellen.

reese witherspoon: meow. great dress! love it!!

penelope cruz: sorry if you are a fan. i am sooo NOT. first she dumped top gun, then she dumped one of the hottest men ever: matthew mcconaughey. hello? is this bitch loco??

celine dion: seriously needs a sandwich. anything. she. needs. some. food. and let's get real. i am probably just jealous.

and because the saint is one of my most favorite movies: elisabeth shue. i know it's off-topic, but i loved the saint. loved it!!

i heart will smith and jada pinkett smith. what a cute family!

martin scorsese calls the departed "his only movie with a plot." LMAO

ok, ok, ok! no more star trash for a long, long time! mwah, love y'all...thanks for reading.

xoxo
~jess....out...

the tooth fairy fuggs it up... AGAIN?!

yeah. can you even believe it's possible?

well it IS, i assure you.

so...rewind to this morning. well... let's go all the way back to last night for full effect. the kids go to bed. we carefully tuck the tooth under my daughter's pillow.i nicely remind them to fall asleep soon...it's getting late, etc. blah blah blah - several times. finally i resort to yelling and death threats. kidding!!

this is the second tooth she has lost and this is definitely a big deal for her. so, i think to myself, "jess...do NOT forget about the tooth fairy."

so i am talking to al (who i should add i totally blame for this) and kinda watching lost at the same time. somewhere here i popped a tylenol pm (thanks bridge for getting me addicted to nighttime sleep aids). so...then criminal minds comes on...and i wrap up my conversation with al and sack out for the night.

fast forward about 8 hours. i am in the bathroom brushing my teeth and my baby comes in. holding her tooth.

"mommy? the tooth fairy forgot to come!!!"

yeah. i suck ten miles of @$$.

in my defense i think i had a rather good comeback. i told her she had stayed up too late and the toothfairy had stopped by when she was awake and didn't have time to get back around to her before the sun came up.

in retrospect... i have probably ruined my child by lying to her.

needless to say, the tooth fairy visited tonight. and she paid interest for her late payment.

The "other" V word...

Yes, it was Valentines Day. A word I maintain is a swear word. I love a lot of family and friends, but having to go buy stuff on a certain day of the year is annoying. Expensive too. Jess and Al... consider this post a Valentine Card. /wink

Alone? Kinda. I did have my two kids with me almost all day. Then I had Loralee and Karen show up for a fun filled night of games. More on this at the end of the post.

Where was my husband?

Australia.

I did get to web cam with him today finally. The kids LOVED that. He is all nice and tan. Lucky guy. I am glad I made him go. He really needed to go. He doesn't realize how important he is to me. It has been easier than I would have thought having him far away, but I really do miss him. I have been lucky that my kids have behaved. It really is a new development. My husband does a lot of stuff for me. Changes lightbulbs, takes out the trash, wakes up and tries to stay awake with me when I have a terrible nightmare. You get the picture. With all we have been through I really do still love him.

In case he ever reads this blog... I LOVE YOU.

K, now to the anoying part of my day.

1. I almost got hit by a HUGE truck today. A semi in fact. It ran a red light, and it ran it fast. Luckily I was somewhat awake and hit the brakes hard. I am also lucky I didn't get rear ended. The car behind me was also awake.
2. I had TWO valentine parties to go to for my kids. Was late to the first one, and was late to the second one too. Once again, I was lucky I made it at all.
3. My son called me from school. He was sick. Poor guy. Poor me. Poor my daughter. I had to leave her during her Valentine party at preschool to go pick her brother up.
4. Both of my kids were invited to bday parties on Saturday. Both parties are at the same time. Which one do I take them to?

It really was just that type of day.

Now this evening I had a very good laugh. Did you know that "but I am still a virgin" could be used as an excuse for almost anything? I didn't. I am going to start using it. I might have to use, "but I still wish I was a virgin," as my excuse. Who knows. I'll see if it works. I played Rumikube tonight, then we read tarot cards. That was FUN. I really need to get more into that.

Well off to bed I go. I wish a Happy V Day to all of you out there. Thank you to all my friends, I love you all!